Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Oh, astrology.

Do I believe in astrology? No.
Do I still find it a fascinating subject, especially at 2:30 in the morning when I can't sleep because I already did that...all day long? Yes!

Do I find it absolutely hilarious just how much I coincidentally fit under my own sign? For reals, yo.

I think it's pretty safe to say that I hold a grudge. Rull bad. Make a comment about my personal life that I find less than flattering, especially when I didn't ask your damn opinion? We're probably not friends anymore. Actually do something that in some way offends me (ya'll know what I'm talking about)? Oh, you will rue the day. And how.

Until I realize I'm WAY overreacting and get over it, that is. Several months later. Usually.

But yeah, that's pretty much what I understand to be the definition of a scorpio lady: totally sweet until you do something she doesn't like, in which case she becomes a heinous bitch.

So, my favorite astrological research is sign compatibility. I had a friend who's mother did horoscopes for a living and took this stuff very seriously. So seriously that star charts had to be done for her and her boyfriend to make sure it was an acceptable match. Ridic. I know.

These are my favorite bits about scorpio compatibility with various signs, according to this site:

"When It’s Over: There will be Brinkmanship. There will be hell to pay. There will be a pound of flesh extracted revenge, grudge f****** and paybacks galore. This pair does everything to excess and breaking up is no exception. It’s too bad about their children and other innocent bystanders."

"Progression of Relationship: Balls to the wall."

"This couple is full of surprises, some of them scary, and some of them really scary."

"Can you imagine the circumlocution and posturing necessary to accomplish anything? Each one of them is like a double agent trying to figure out what kind of double agent the other one is."

"Degree of Passion: Unfortunately the passion in this relationship may be the tumultuous emotions of Scorpio when she feels betrayed or slighted. Ms. Scorpio is famous for her rage and vindictiveness. Do not mess with her, Monkey Man. You're likely to lose your tail. And another thing, Gemini, we know how much you love to mess around, but you have no idea the dark forces that will be unleashed if you mess around on this lady. At the very least, she will personally key your brand new Lexus. What happens after that will make that look good. No really."

"Degree of Friendship: Are you kidding? Friends don't key friends' cars."

"Gemini, whatever little tricks you have up your sleeve, you might find your arm in the alley back behind your house."

"Progression of Relationship: Gemini, do not mess around with her on any level. If you prize your kneecaps, get down on them and stay there. It is best to give this woman what she wants -- and act like you like it. By the way, there is no place for your Evil Twin in this relationship. And why is that? Because your Evil Twin is unbelievably naïve (I hate to be the one to tell you)."

"What happens when the Mad Scientist meets Dr. Frankenstein?"

"When It’s Over: Scorpio has a reputation for bad endings, like the 3rd act of a Verdi opera."

Apparently I really shouldn't date a gemini. And no one should date me. I should just wrap myself in caution tape next time I go out.

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